To Not Give a Heck About Things Is an Art. Here Are 15 Steps to Master It.
There is a lot going on every minute of the day, and there is always something or someone demanding our attention, getting on our nerves or wanting our approval. But the truth is we don’t have endless time, energy or resources to respond. In short, we don’t have endless effs, we need to be careful who and what we are giving our effs to.
And not giving an eff doesn’t mean that we don’t care about that thing, or are an unfeeling being, it just means that we are controlling ourselves, and focusing our energy on what matters most.
The journey to spend our effs wisely is a tough one, but the sooner you do it, the better your life will become. Mark Manson is one of the most well-known motivational writers who popularized this concept, so if you want to know even more, we’ll drop some links to some great material by him below.
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Life’s a Beach
But seriously, life’s not always easy, comfortable, and happy rainbows and unicorns all of the time. No one actually promised that. Life is tough, raw and although we have removed a lot of the obstacles, it’s about survival. If you want to be rich like Mark Zuckerberg then you got to realise there will be bad days too. You will have to face congressional court, people are going to sue you, and you’re going to get a lot of hate.
As soon as you realise this you will stop giving too many f*cks when your chips are down. You will see this as part of the process, that discomfort is part of growth and you won’t panic as much. Then you can just get on learning what you need to learn from this tough lesson and move on.
We’re Not All Gonna Be Friends –Deal With It
Not everyone is going to like you. Just like you don’t like everyone. It doesn’t mean you hate them do you? Or that they did anything particularly horrendous does it? Nope. So why do you need to give to many effs when someone doesn’t like you?
Don’t spend your effs on people who don’t even want your effs. Spend your effs on the people who will be there most of your life. They are worth your effs.
Stop Giving So Many F*cks to Your Disappointments
When you enter a race there are only 3 winners at most. Everyone else will be disappointed. That’s a huge part of competing. Disappointment is part of life. There are only a few people that win in anything that is vaguely competitive. The rest are just part of the crowd. Accept these for the everyday occurrence they are. Let disappointments be part of your motivation and training, or straight up just let them go.
Not Giving an Eff Is Not a Licence to Be Indifferent
Something to get straight at this point is that we’re not talking about being some kind of emotional void or some zen master. The father of no Eff living, Mark Manson puts it best when he explains it as: “Not Giving A F*ck Does Not Mean Being Indifferent; It Means Being Comfortable With Being Different.”
Hell no, it just means that the things you do give an eff about are worth your time and energy. There is nothing wonderful about indifference. They are usually internet trolls who live on a couch and are really scared and lame, and actually have too many effs to give and they do. And in doing so they are completely ineffective in the world because they are perpetually distracted.
Not giving an eff in Mark Manson’s sense is that when it counts you shouldn’t give an eff about what others think and you should give all your effs instead about what is important and right and overcome adversity when it matters.
Know What Effs You Do Give
To be able to give your f*cks to the right things, you will have to be clear on what matters to you. That means having your own values, priorities and goals straight. This way when something comes up that isn’t affecting these things, then you don’t have to worry about it. And when something comes up that threatens these things you are quick and decisive to act.
This is getting really simple amiright?
Build a Life You Like
A sure fire way of not really caring about other people is to like the life you have. Either start to appreciate what you have and decide that it is more than enough to be proud of. Then stop comparing yourself and being bothered by other people’s business.
If you don’t like your life, or something about yourself, then change it. Workout more, save, go back to school, make time for your kids or paint your house. Sure it might take some planning, but it can happen.
Other People Aren’t Your Problem
The moment you realise that you can’t control others and that their actions and opinions don’t have to affect your life. Stop worrying about what others think, and there is no point trying to control what other people think, it doesn’t work. The simple fact is that if you can change their mind, what’s to say the very next person they meet can too. So don’t give your effs to this endeavour.
Fill Your Life With Busyness You Enjoy
If you think your effs are limited, then your time is even more precious. Fill your time with things you care about, then you won’t have time to waste on things that don’t deserve your effs. When our lives are boring or empty we get caught up in small things that we don’t care about or don’t bring us joy. If you don’t have any spare time to give any effs, or you’re just too happy to, then you probably won’t.
Filling our days with some interesting busyness can be very cheap but sometimes over the top. Here are some of such Most Expensive Hobbies Only the Rich Can Have.
Be Aware of Traps
Something that can rob you of a lot of effs is falling into social traps or cultural norms that make you care about things you don’t really care for. If you’re an independent woman and you’re not about chivalry, then don’t get caught up about the things society says you need to make a partner your husband.
Who cares if you earn more, or he doesn’t open the door for you. If that’s not what you wanted in the first place then don’t get caught up in the trap of caring. When you know what you believe in and what makes you happy then give effs to that. Don’t worry about other people’s traditions, norms or social constructs.
Realise That Money Doth Not Maketh the Man/Woman
Money takes a lot of our f*cks. Usually when we feel we don’t have enough. It can strip us of our confidence and also the value we assign other people. It’s time to face facts that money doth not make a person great. Money isn’t a sign of intelligence, valour, grit or even success.
Money is just a sign of money. Some people get it from hard work, some people get it from birth, others get it for a marvellous invention or spending $2 on the lottery.
Care about the value of yourself, what you stand for and what impact you can have in your lifetime. Anyway, as Aluxers know, what potential you hold for creating wealth and holding onto it is more important than coming into money once off.
No One Really Cares About You
Okay let’s explain a bit more. No one really actually cares about other people and what they own, look like or do. The National Science Foundation did a study that showed that people have 50,000 or more thoughts a day. So if you drive past in a beat up car and your ex-girlfriend sees you, and she thinks about it maybe 10 times, you should know that that’s only 0.02% of her daily thoughts.
Most of us filter the world through the lens of our ego. Only concerned about things in terms of how they relate or affect them. So unless your car directly affects your ex, they don’t really care.
Like author David Foster Wallace put it: “You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.”
Realise That You Reap What You Sow
It’s time to put away your woe is me mentality and realise that we are the masters of our own destiny. We can’t only like this concept when we are succeeding. This is something that all the modern obsession of giving everyone a prize has failed to teach us. That’s not how life works.
Winners get prizes. For the most part, if you put in effort you get a prize. Putting in healthy love means a happy marriage, put in time training means excelling in sports, saving means you have money to travel, and being a good person means that people like you. If you do the opposite you lose.
You reap what you sow, stop giving a f*ck about the rest and get on living your life like a grown-ass person who understands there are consequences for your actions. So do the right actions and enjoy the results.
Surround Yourself With People Worth Giving a F*ck About
You will live in a daily problem of wasting effs if the people around you aren’t who you think are actually worth your time of energy. If you’re holding onto friends or acquaintances that are constantly taking your effs with issues that don’t deserve them then time to move on.
Find a tribe of friends and family worthy of your effs. The type that you care enough to fight for. Or that you can reason with if they are being unreasonable or demanding. Healthy people are able to understand when you can’t give away an eff on their problem, because they take responsibility for themselves. Those are the kind of people you need in your life, and your life will require a whole lot effs to begin with.
Give Yourself a Baptism of Fire
If you’re not able to shake this feeling that everything needs your equal attention, or you can’t break from social pressure, or you have a bunch of d*icks in your life that are sapping you, or you just care too much what everyone thinks. Then it’s time for a challenge.
One of the greatest ways to get some perspective on what deserves your effs and what doesn’t, is to get away….right away. Pack as little as possible of the worldly things you think you give an eff about and get on a plane. Obviously Covid-19 dependent.
When you are all alone, in a strange place, with no status, none of your fancy stuff, with people of different cultures and language and their own sh*t going on, you will finally see how insignificant and unimportant some of the things you give an eff about really are. It’s a liberating feeling.
Focus on Your Own Growth
As you grow into this new boss mentality and start spending your effs on the right thing and banking the rest, you are gonna realise that others aren’t where you are. This can be frustrating when you see someone lose their shit over something as trivial as a dirty glass instead of just asking for a replacement. Don’t focus on that, otherwise you would be giving an eff away.
Stay focussed on your own growth, when your mind is clear you will see where else you can improve. Maybe just refer them to this video. Or some of the writers on this topic, and wish them the best. The best way to help others grow is by leading by example.
What or who are you giving most of your effs to?