~ Part Eight ~
For those of you who have no idea where they arrived, if you want any of this to make sense, start with me from the beginning.
Oh, how I wanted to. And the things is, I didn’t want him in particular, but I was craving the experience, I can’t even describe it. That place…was doing something to you I can’t even put it in words, it was changing your inner being, it was waking up the darkest thoughts inside your head.
Just when I started to get scared of my own mind, David said something to me that brought comfort to my soul. I wasn’t the only one that was metamorphosing there, we were in this together:
I want you to use me. Just here, just tonight.
I understood immediately what was all about. I wanted to hurt him so bad, I wanted to see the neediness in his eyes when he looked at me, I wanted to feel above this fucked up world even if it was just for a short amount of time.
I grabbed his face and made him kneel in front of me, looked him deep inside his eyes for I don’t even remember how long and then made him lie on his back on the cold floor. I stepped on his chest with one heel and I could’ve seen the pain in his eyes and felt the pleasure in mine.
I humiliated him that night. I didn’t even know I was capable of everything I did to him and honestly, I don’t think he knew either. This was one sick thing, we were both trying our best to scare the Hell out of each other and truth be told, I still don’t know why. My only explanation is an exchange of power, we were desperately trying to show who’s above each other – he was scared he was losing control over me, I was scared I wasn’t taking control over him. The result? One screwed up carousel, no end point, no nothing.
But then, the ball was back in my court. I felt it when we left that room, something inside him snapped, he was afraid he revealed too much, he was afraid he was vulnerable. I never felt him that cold before. He didn’t even once looked at me until we got back home and when we finally did he told me he was going away for a few days, some business trip or whatever, he wasn’t sharing too much with me.
But I knew what was really all about. He wanted to get away, to distance himself from everything that happened in that room and he needed space for that, he needed not to see my face, my hands and every part of my body that hurt him that night.
When I woke up the next day he was already gone. I have to say I felt relieved in the beginning, but I was going to regret it soon after that.
As days went by I realized what was happening. Maybe it was all a crazy wild mess when he was around, but at least it was something that kept me busy, something that held me from rethinking everything that happened with my life over and over again. After a couple of days alone, I started to go insane, my mind was killing me. I couldn’t sleep anymore, I was waking up in the middle of the night, sweating and screaming. And most of it was because of David. As always he wanted revenge after showing off a weakness and the fact that he was God knows where didn’t stop him. He was emailing me photos of my James Dean either when he was looking for me or drunk somewhere in a bar. And guess what I was dreaming of later at night. I wanted to kill him and run back to my love, but I knew that wasn’t an option if I didn’t want everything to fall apart.
Good thing is that only lasted for a few days and a week later he called me and told me to get ready for that night because we had to attend some big opening party of an exclusive club in New York.
I can’t say I was too excited at that point, but at least it would’ve put be back on track and took me away from the thoughts that swallowed me that week.
I slipped in a golden dress, put my hair in a low bun and left the apartment for the car that was waiting for me downstairs. Right then I even thought I missed David and he seemed to have missed me, too. He looked at me with admiration and told me I looked lovely; I even managed to pull a smiled off his face. And it felt refreshing, I was alone for too long, I needed him, I needed all of that.
We even talked the entire ride and told me about where we were going – so unusual of him as he really enjoyed to “surprise” me with the events. Apparently there was this huge opening party to some fancy club in the city, but it was quite a big deal. The owner of the club was one of the big fish and the place was going to be filled with celebrities and most of the “puppet masters” of the city. David told me to get ready as the press was going to be everywhere there, not just in front of the club. There were going to be undercover reporters inside – probably women that were sleeping with the right guy, so I had to watch every step I take.
And as we approached the destinations I saw it – there were dozens of people in front of the building, I couldn’t believe the madness that was going on right there on the street.
The driver stopped the car in front of the club and in that moment I was indeed suprised. What can I say, the bar openings I had attended before didn’t have a red carpet in front of the door and sure as Hell didn’t have a dozen of paparazzi at the entrance, maybe just a bunch of drunk teenagers.
David put his hand on mine and asked me:
Are you ready?
I nodded and he got out of the car, then I followed him quickly. And in that moment, Hell was unleashed, all the cameras turned towards us. I had only seen this kind of stuff in movies, but I never imagined what was like to be on that side of the cameras and I have to say, it was quite a shock and an unpleasant first experience. The flashes literally blinded me and the reporters were like savage animals that wanted to jump on us. It was sort of scary at first, it definitely sent shivers down my spine.
After we slowly walked on the red carpet, we had to stop in front of the doors and pose for the press. We climbed the stairs and when I turned around to face them, I saw it. I don’t know how and why, but there he was, my James Dean standing in the middle of the street with a bottle of alcohol in his hand and with the broken heart written all over his face.
I couldn’t breath, my vision faded away and I felt weak in the knees. I grabbed David’s hand and I think I almost crushed his bones, but I felt like I was going to pass away. I tried to stay still and I couldn’t say any other words other than: Oh my god.
David smiled, not taking his eyes away from the press for a second and said in an almost cruel voice:
Thought you might wanna see him.
So if you want to find out my next move, here’s Part Nine.